i can’t exactly recall the last time i felt any excitement for Christmas, but i was probably less than 10 years old. Back then i still had chores to do, cows to milk and feed, pigs to feed, and … No Christmas until the chores were done, then time to open the presents, a new pair of workgloves, maybe new overshoes. I remember one year when i was about 12 I got a new pitchfork woo hoo what a lovely time of the year.
One think I learned very well as I grew up was hard work, emotions and feelings were bad, and everything should be practicle. At 12 and 13 I suffered some of the worst trauma of my life and while that has made me what I am today, it has made me what I am today. The good and the bad both come from that period of my life. My dad always said Christmas is just another day.
This year is more different than any other though. I have been learning to explore my feelings and emotions more and most importantly to share them with Madam Mistique. While I am still uneasy in sharing with the world I have learned to share more of myself. While the Internet is somewhat anonymous and helps me open up with a bunch of strangers, Madam Mistique is not.
Madam has gently probed, explored, soothed, and helped me truly learn myself. She backs off when things are too senstive and opens up the exploration when the time is right. She knows more about me, my feelings, my emotions, and who I am than any other person in the world. As strange as it seems She seems to know more about me than I know myself. She is a truly incredible person, I have never met someone who truly cares for me at the level She does. i am not going to go into more detail, other than to say i don’t ever remember being cared about by another person so much.
i identify my self worth with how hard i work, how much i accomplish, and knowing that when i put in a 12 hour day i did the best job i could. Madam understands that about me, She also understands that i need to focus on other things in life and She helps me to move in that direction.
This year i sent Madam a package, small stuff only worth about 50 bucks with shipping but it wasn’t a gift that i knew She would like or what the big box stores said i should be buying. It was small items of the things i enjoy, those things that give me comfort and flavors that i enjoy. i sent a regular present too, but the first package has far more meaning to me because i sent Her another part of me.
i have gone a very long time repressing a big part of myself because that is how it wa supposed to be and in the last year Madam has found a way to start to release.
Last week i read tammy’s post about her excitement for presents for Christmas and it was a foreign concept to me. i realized that i could not remember ever being that excited for a holiday or present since i was a small child.
Two days ago Madam told me that She sent me a present, the first present She has ever sent me and i felt something, more than i felt in a long time at the thought of Her gift. i felt a sense of wonder of what it may contain and my thoughts wandered about what it could be, what i hoped it might be.
Merry Christmas Madam Mistique, thank You for the most precious gift anyone has ever given me, the ability to feel. i know it has not been easy and i am still quite closed, which makes you have to probe. i do not do that on purpose, i wish i could just let it all flow out and it not be so difficult. You are such a special person, i wish i had more i could give to repay You than i do.
i adore You
Yours
Madam’s foreverpet
